darkmage of evildojo reporting in.

darkmage hanky has left the material plane. darkmage is incredibly heart-broken by the rapid series of events leading to this end. today would have been day 9 of her suffering, but she decided to leave this world with her head in my arms and my sister on the phone telling her that we loved her very much.

for those who do not know, hanky is the first dog i’ve had as an adult human being. she wandered into our lives on march 2, 2022. my sister called me to tell me she’d picked up a dog she found literally wandering the streets. when i came over, i immediately fell in love and knew that she was my dog.

we’ve had a wonderful time together and i regret not having spent more of it with her, or having been more of a helicopter dog-dad to have observed the events from a clearer perspective, or to have been more preventative with her care, or to have been more aware of her advanced age and symptoms.

i wish i had an exact answer as to what happened, or what went wrong.

here’s what happened from my perspective:

day 0, 2023-05-27: somewhere around this time, i remember catching hanky trying to drink some rain water that had formed in our backyard after a storm. i had always been careful to keep her from doing things like that. every so often she would find a way to sneak it in. i can’t say that this is definitively what triggered the following series of events but it could have been a catalyst.

day 1, 2023-05-28: hanky begins vomiting small amounts of water all over the apartment and doesn’t eat anything. i didn’t think much of the not-eating: hanky was a big girl and had a big apetite, but sometimes i was over-feeding her, and she would have a day where she wouldn’t eat, and would resume again the next day. when we lived alone, just us 2, i didn’t force her to eat at certain times of day. i would just fill her food bowl up twice a day whenever i saw it empty and she would eat on her own time. i tried to sync it with my own meals, because she was always ready to ask for a piece of whatever i was eating in her own way. hanky was not a vocal girl, but she communicated gently by curling up next to you and pawing at you as if to say “hey, can i try some of that?”

hanky had some light vomiting in the past, but nothing like this before. i regret not taking her somewhere sooner.

we continued our regular routine that day, walks and all, but she did not pass stool.

day 2, 2023-05-29: hanky continues to vomit small amounts of water. everyone is wiping up after her. i honestly wanted to call the vet, but my sister seemed insistent that hanky was “just backed up” still. i tried not to worry.

we still continued our regular routine. she did not throw up during our walks, but she did not pass stool either.

day 3, 2023-05-30: i’m very worried and call the vet. we set an appointment for day 4, first open slot they had. hanky continues with previous symptoms. every single day, even up until the last, she continued to drink water. this day, she passed a stool, her last normal one, but also walked around the backyard very clenched-up like she was constipated.

day 4, 2023-05-31: we go to the vet. they give her an anti-nausea injection called ‘cerenia’ as well as take her blood tests and x-rays. no obstructions found, concerned about distended stomach, but otherwise we would find out more once the test results came back. hanky began walking very woozily and rapidly began losing her strength, collapsing on herself after very short distances.

day 5, 2023-06-01: we receive a call from one of the doctors at the vet. hanky had ‘elevated white blood cell count’ and ‘needed to be on anti-biotics right away’. she also had ‘4 out of 5 indicators of liver failure’. i thought back to what i had read about bacterias found in texas water ways and bacterial movement through rains. we schedule a 2nd vet visit for the next day, though the first open slot was in the afternoon, we were told “if it gets worse to come in earlier”.

day 6, 2023-06-02: one of the vets claims to have tried to call me, but i don’t have anything in my call logs from them. i bring hanky in, and she is given fluids for a few hours, along with the anti-biotics and another shot of ‘cerenia’. i realized later that i was never informed of the side-effects of ‘cerenia’ nor do i have any paperwork i might have signed involving it. i’m now wondering if hanky is a victim of malpractice. i know how the law works but that is another story.

hanky comes out very woozy again, after having passed a ‘black tarry stool’, and techs post her up in my car’s backseat. the tech told me to go to the ER if she passes that kind of stool again. i bring her home, family helps her out to do a peepee, she managed to walk down the sidewalk past a neighbor’s house before she collapses and pees. we bring her home and she sleeps with me on the couch in the living room.

day 7, 2023-06-03: a big explosive event between my sister and i. while im looking up information in order to make an important decision.

thinking back, the timeline must be off, because the last 2 nights, i had hanky sleep in my bed with me.

at my old apartment, when it was just hanky and i, i had my memory-foam mattress on the hardwood floor. it was a convenient, low-effort sleeping arrangement for myself. setting up bedframes is a pain in the ass. but, when i got hanky, it was very nice for her. she was able to sleep in my bed all day if she wanted. when i was up working at the computer, she would sleep in my bed. it was a special, rare thing to wake up to her getting into bed with me. she was sometimes finnicky and touchy about how and where to could pet and touch her.

ever since moving in with my sister, her boyfriend, and grandma, i’ve been asked to make a lot of sacrifices. one of the ones that has pissed me off to no end not allowing me to have my mattress on the floor like i used to. in fact, currently, i have my mattress stacked on top of another mattress simply because my sister and her boyfriend have nowhere else to store that mattress. all i wanted was for my dog to be able to get into my bed with me again. i am sad that it took things going this far for that to happen but at least i know that she got to spend her last nights in bed right next to me, kissing her forehead and telling her what a good girl she is, she smiling the whole time.

in the days before, i had managed to get hanky to eat half a chicken patty on day 5, and a handful of sardines on day 3, but she was rejecting most food. a dog rejecting food is incredibly scary and cause for concern. there are so many things that could cause it and unless you have all of the information, you may not be able to diagnose it in time.

i even tried making her some kick-ass soup broth, and mixed it into her water to try and trick her into getting some nutrients. for days, i thought: she just needs some nutrients to kick-start her system. she was still drinking water, if she tastes how good this soup is, she’ll want to eat eventually.

she drank plenty, even up until the last day.

day 8, 2023-06-04:

i don’t want to think about how this all went down.

hanky’s situation went downhill fast. she was just fine 8 days ago, but has progressed through various stages of degenerative illness. her tongue was hanging out, she was no longer licking water, and she had done business in my bed. i had towels down, but her stool matched the description the tech gave me. i called the ER, which didn’t matter. i got my car into position and had my sister’s boyfriend carry hanky to my backseat and i hauled ass, constantly checking to see if she was still breathing.

i blocked several cars because their parking lot was absolute trash and ran inside to get someone to come out to my car and get hanky. pretty good i was lit up dominating the room, exclaiming at the “3-4 hour wait while my dog is dying in my car”. they sent someone out immediately, thank god and christ.

maybe 15 minutes later, im in a cold, sterile room explaining hanky’s condition to one of the ER staff, who relays it to the doctor. the doctor comes in and asks me what i want to do.

i told her that i did not want hanky to suffer anymore. my worry was that, if we continue to try and fight this thing off, even if i had all the money in the world, that she would just be in pain the whole time, and that is not what i want.

hanky is the love of my life. the love of life itself. for all of the reasons i have wanted to leave this miserable planet, hanky is one of the reasons that i want to stay. she never complained about anything, even to her dying moments with me.

they brought her in and i curled myself around her. my sister called me and was able to say she loved hanky into hanky’s ears. i told her i was gonna spend some time with hanky and we hung up. not even a moment later, i watched hanky’s last breath leave her body, her head cradled in my arms. hanky did not wait to be put to sleep: she waited until she could be with me to make her departure.

i sobbed, and sobbed, and have been randomly sobbing all day. it was a lot like this when mom died. i wasn’t able to be present for that. i wasn’t also able to be present when other dogs in my life passed on: buddy, georgie, and winnie. i greatly loved them, and have never fully processed their departure.

there are many loved ones in my life whom i have not fully processed their passing, but maybe that’s the point. maybe we never truly finish processing that. maybe its a process that is with us forever, like a pid 0. maybe it has its own process-space seperate from userland. are emotions in the kernel of our mind?

hanky’s impact on the world is going to be felt greatly by everyone in the coming weeks, months, and years to come. new things will arise. projects will emerge. her memory will be etched into the akashic record.

i feel like i am a robot operating on autopilot right now. i do not understand how i am going to move forward. i do not understand a lot. i want to be angry at someone. i want to be able to point a finger at god and say “you did this to me!”. it is ok to be angry. what isn’t ok is using that anger as a justification to hurt someone. there’s a difference between going sideways at someone before you’ve had your coffee versus actively plotting and planning to go out and commit random acts of violence.

so, let’s say life is as short as it is.

what sort of crazy, fucked-up shit can we get into and avoid prison?

hanky was guiding me back then, and she is guiding me now.

soon she will be home and she will never leave again.

im gonna go be a mess for like a week. sorry if i say something really mean and fucked-up to you.